the 70th day of 2021. i’m caught in a mix of feelings and thoughts. revelations to certain things have brought me heart-break, but strangely, also relief. now, my soul feels like it’s afloat. not from happiness. not from clarity; far from it. i just feel like i’m floating in nothingness. my heart asks, “what do i do?” better now than to hold on to a fantasy any longer. a necessary evil to break out of my mind’s reality. it was inevitable anyway.
i’m still learning to love proper. i’m slowly learning to love my own heart a little more again, listening to its true worth.
it’s in discovering ourselves that we find our true value. not through the eyes of those around us. the result of who we are, our values, is reflected upon those around us. through the way we speak and our actions.
i’ve been trying to look at this from a christian perspective. i want to understand what makes a “strong christian” i believe it begins with this one statement that has stuck in my mind…“i am a child of god.” — what does this mean to me?
“I will praise You, for I am
fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
and that my soul knows well.” — Psa. 139:14
Again, it’s been a while since my last public word vomit of thoughts. I don’t apologise because I have my own life to live. So in my strangeness of observing the world around me and hearing my friends pratt on about different issues I was thinking what really is “HUMAN PROGRESS.” How much has humanity really progressed over the years? Cue: “sensitive” subject on religion and what not…
One of the things I’ve heard from a friend’s mouth was…
“Humans have evolved enough to not need religion.”
“Chase your dreams…”
gets thrown around quite a lot, and I find that we really are chasing a dream rather than fulfilling a plan. This is just a thought that crossed my mind…
It’s been a while since my last post. I must admit that quite a lot has happened. I had to reassess my own life goals, refine and relaunch. All good things. Along the way there was a particular event that found me hating myself for being such a confrontational and sensitive person. I thought my confrontation to the problem was the right way (if you haven’t realised yet, this of course is of the human x human kind). After much thought while walking for 4 hours straight talking about the history of our fine city then sitting on the bus listening to the tunes of Major Lazer I realised that maybe that wasn’t the right approach. In all honesty I really thought I was helping that person. Instead I looked like a complete arrogant dick who used fancy nice words to hide the fact that I was being a dick. I realised that helping a person directly isn’t always the right way. At this kind of age you forget some people have a sense of dignity and pride that they want to uphold, but at the same time deal with their problems their own way because surely they’re mature enough by now and gone through enough crap to have their own dealing system. We’re in our very late 20’s here. What I did was an ass move. I thought I was being helpful without realising that I needed to deal with my crap too. I was pointing fingers at them and calling them out on their weaknesses. Then a finger was pointed back at me. Remember that stupid saying in school?
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I wish I wasn’t asked this question when I was a kid. I think the right question to ask really is…
“WHO do you want to be when you grow up?”
Do you want to be an asshole doctor or would you like to be an inspirational doctor? One thing I’ve learned from meeting people on my travels is that you can be “successful” in your field, your career or whatever, but if you don’t have the right character I think that’s a major failure. I’m not saying that learning specific skills to set you up on what you want to do in life is bad, but I think one major thing that we’re lacking in learning today is building up the right character.
Here I am on a one hour train ride in Sydney on my way back to sleep on my friend’s couch (yay, budget travel!) while listening to my playlist named, “All Dem Feels.” It’s been a long day of catch-ups, business meetings and my brain is just about ready to cack it. But one thought seems to be swimming around in the grey matter of my cranium after having a nice long discussion with my cousin about life – “I think we got the worst career advice from our parents.”
Pursuing a passion full-time is definitely not easy. Usually you’ll read or hear people say, “FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! SCREW THE WORLD AND PURSUE YOUR PASSION!” What they don’t tell you is, “Oh, by the way, it’s going to be really hard, you’ll struggle a lot and at times you may ask yourself why you made this decision in the first place.” So, I’m letting you know that right now. I’m not being a pessimist about it all, but more of a realist. I’m not telling you to give up either! I’m just letting you know it’s hard, but you’ll get through it if you put in the effort.
Put it down…
There are times that we are so engrossed in what we see through the viewfinder of our cameras that we fail to stop and see things with our own eyes. When I do travel and take photos though there are times where I end up getting “Photographer’s Fatigue” where I’m just so tired of taking photos and would rather enjoy soaking in the atmosphere and culture of the places I’m exploring. This is something I always encourage to my photography students in my Landscapes, Travels and Places photography workshop; don’t forget to enjoy yourself. Put down the camera and soak in the atmosphere.
One of the things that new photographers say to me at workshops is, “Please be patient with me.” What I actually say to them is, “Please be patient with yourself!” I’m always happy to repeat myself to someone until they have a clear understanding. It’s when you can’t get something, you get frustrated, then overwhelmed and the next thing you know you’ve given up. I see this happen to a lot of people whenever they try to learn new techniques of photography (moving away from the Auto mode); once upon a time even I gave up!
Today was an interesting and good day. At work I got so into the game I had to restrain myself from yelling out, “GO!!! DOOOOEEEEEET!”
I went to bed early on friday night, but I had to stay up to make sure my dog went to bed first. She’s so naughty! But I love her so hehe. My dad told me that looking after a pet is like looking after a child, so he told me i’m practicing my parenting skills. It’s weird, but I guess it is kinda like that.
Right now it’s my 20th! I’m 20 on the 20th, no longer a teen. It feels weird, but i’m really excited about it because it means new things to be learned. I know there is still so much ahead of me, but like I’ve being told there has to be some sense of urgency in living life because you don’t know when you could just lose it. We went paintballing and it was so much fun! Painful, but fun! It felt so relaxing. I really enjoyed it and wouldn’t mind going again. I’ve got a few bruises, but I was the last person standing by the end of all the rounds. We were all having fun and that’s what’s important. Afterwards we just hung out at my place to watch the FA cup finals, where Chelsea won against Man-U (I predicted it! DANGGIT!)
I banned myself from WoW for 2 weeks so I can focus on my studies. During my semester break i’m going to be doing a part-time TAFE course in Flash Web Design, because they don’t teach you the programming in uni, only theory and concepts, art history, etc. I’m looking foward to it! I love learning new things.
Now I sit here nursing a injured knuckle and listening to my dog snore. Time to go to bed though! Chairing the junior worship kids at church, then have filming, and then some dinner my friends organised for me 😀 Hmmm…I’m watching this weird show called ‘Stigmata.’ Interesting.
God bless & Peace out